| worn out experience dresses the stage shallow laughter as the clown comes undone steps on his scooter, rides up the aisle stench of wet dog travels through the air yesterdays crowd, apelike as they throw bananas into the pit, all the while licking their lips the moaning day foresees a frayed costume an all too familiar glow shining down melting make-up from a face disguised in tears |
Monday, September 24, 2007
The Hum Drum
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4 comments:
a,
I really like how you have paired this down. It is amazing what this poem has become. One comment on the ending that i also thought while working on this-- If the face is diguised in tears, and the make-up is melting from actual tears, maybe the last line could be, "tears diguising tears." let me know what you think. also i like what you've done with the monkeys.
danny-
This poem was very difficult for me to revise, I thought you did a good job on the first revision. Finally I decided to just switch the first and third stanza and this is what I came up with. I think "tears disguising tears." works really well and will give the poem an ending that really sinks into the reader.
Autumn-
I think your revision only complimented what danny did. I'm not sure I could've done it, but your revision, combined with danny's evokes an "eerie" feeling, I think it works really well for the piece. I'm not good at critiquing, but I was compelled to say something.
this is a good example of how something organic can come out of a thirty person musing. This was extensively revised, but considering that it was rooted in our class excercise its remarkable what its become.
nate
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