Rooted deep in the backyard
of humanity lies a cabin...
Outside,
snowflakes fall relentlessly from the white sky,
turning off the lights of summer.
Ice appears on the waters surface,
separating it from the rest of the world,
muting its existence.
Slowly, all colors fade out to nothing,
White
Darkness falls...
Inside,
a small wood fire dwindles
to merely nothing,
only giving rise to a shadow on the wall.
Stillness fills the air
Drink after drink,
Cigarette after cigarette,
Existence smears to nothing.
Desperation turns calm...
Silence
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8 comments:
I liked how you started this out with "rooted" it makes me think of a vast silent presense from the beginning.
Once again, your poems are filled with good ideas and some great lines. I really like the line, "muting its existence," in regards to the ice; obviously, the word "mute" is a good indicator of silence. The comparison of "white" to "darkness falls" in the fourth stanza does not work, though, so I might change that, but overall I like where the poem is going.
You definately took an interesting approach to silence. I've always seen silence portrayed as an intangible, but it seems you "put a face to the name". I think it helps add to the reality of silence and gives it almost a serene feeling.
One of the most powerful moments in this poem is the stanza, "Drink after drink, cigarette after cigarette, existence smears to nothing." A way to simulate silence in a completely different way. You didn't use "drown" or any other cliche words surrounding this stanza which made it that much more unique and your own. It almost served as the last nail in the coffin. You had a wonderful image that you had created and you brought the reader inside of the cabin, past just what was there but who, and gave him a quality of desperation even before you said, "desperation turns calm..." I already assumed either desperation, or deep depression, both of which have a sense of 'silence' on there own. I really enjoyed this poem, great job.
Keaten-
I think your poem has a lot of great potential. In order to make it a little more interesting and add more imagery, I would take words like "white sky" and "shadow" for example and try and think of another way to describe them. This way it would pull the reader in more, and give them a better image of what is going on. I also think it isn't necessary for "Silence" to be the last line of the poem. The word calm already brings a sense of silence, so it just seems a little repetitive.
I also enjoyed this poem. It's strength is that it relys on images to depict silence, not on words that tell about silence. Which is why the first thing I would change in this poem is removing the final line "silence." I feel that you have already showed me how silent it is, and I think saying that cheapens the imagery. Also I would steer away from the use of ellipses, think about using a period or perhaps removing them altogether. For instance, rather than "Darness falls... / inside," try, "Darkness falls inside. /
A small wood fire dwindles." this allows a little more room for the reader to interpret. just something to think about. but again i think you did a great jog acheiving silence in this poem.
I loved how the feeling of coldness is related to silence!!! You have really good images in your poems. Good Job!!!
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